::I am miserable...
...i hate to say it...but track is the cause of it..
=(
Track has been a big part of my life in hci. It is practically half of my after school hours since I was a sec1..(the other half is third language)
Every training has been tough.. most of the times it was enjoyable.. sometimes it wasn't...
I hated it when I was a sec1.. but I was too conserved to voice it out or do anything about it..
The coach changed soon after.. I still disliked track when I was sec2... I had nothing to do in track for I was not good enough to compete.. but I had nothing else to do anyways..
Sec3 I liked track. I was flying in track. The coach was fun and on the ground.. even if he did not awe us with his coaching expertise.. he was extremely likeable and respectable.. I broke pb after pb and shot from practically the bottom of the pile to near the top.. the year still ended in regrets as i did not perform to my full potentials at nationals.. I had my biggest chance to grab medals and I ended up with a bronze medal for my hurdles..
Sec4 came and another coach came.. the head coach of our closest rivals arrived and impressed me in particular with his drive and expertise about athletics.. whatever he said made sense, whatever he told me to train, made sense.. but I had other priorities.. I was trying hard to balance everything.. Then a mosquito shot me down.. I was sick and out for practically a month.. and I was told I needed months to recover my running form..
I lost to my junior...I lost to my junior's junior... I missed a big competition.. when those around me shone during the competition.. I lay in bed..sick and out..
Touchingly, trackers stood by me throughout.. they are a great bunch of people.. and they were the ones that walked with me when I was discharged from the hospital.. I almost decided to just sacrifice myself for track.. just to pay back their kindness..
I cant..
Recently SLC started.. After missing out last year, I was determined to join this year and enjoy it.. The first day of SLC, coach and overall captain pulled me out of the SLC and pushed me into training with them.. now I think of it, I hated that training.. while SLC-ers were playing on the field nearby.. I had to train.. their laughters were like knives embedded into my heart.. I was vexed and disconsolete... for some reason..
To make a long story short.. Track used to make me feel complete.. now it is preventing me from feeling complete.. Track used to make me happy.. now it makes me sad.. Track had meaning.. now it lost it..
and I am losing it..
I understand I am being selfish and not doing what I preached..
I used to tell those past disillusioned trackers what I thought they needed to know to come back to their senses..
now I looked at what I said before.. and i realized they do not help..
I do not want to train.. at least, not until SLC is over..
Just to illustrate how strongly or how demoralized I feel, even if han tell me I am out of Nationals.. I am out of track.. I'll hardly blink an eyelid..
I will slowly walk away.. I may cry.. but I won't look back..
I told han I did not want to train.. when he caught me walking home after SLC..
we argued.. he told me all he can say is that I am too irresponsible..
I never doubted his words before.. no doubt this time he must be right too..
But all i can say is..
I am sorry, coach.. So be it..::

.:firestarter blogged on 6:23 PM:.
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