::i have flu.. again.. adriel.. i hate you. -.-
haha..
anyways, I had to stay in bed e whole morning because of my flu. I was not feeling very good at all.. Yet while in bed, it gave me endless time to ponder about myself. Who I am.. What I want..
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before I go any furthur, can I just make a disclaimer here? I've been posting a few intimate things lately and if you've seen me outside at all, I'm not as cynical, thoughtful, or as any image the previous posts portrays me to be at all. I am a deep.. and troubled person though. =s Aint everyone?
Is it ok if you guys just read this with a pinch of salt? or ignore the long posts.. the short ones are better for everyday reading. =]
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Anyways, one of the things that came across my mind is this: I have a disregard of how other around me feels; at least to a certain extent. I know I should not post intimate or opinionated posts on my blog but I do not like to care? If I have to be restrained on my blog, I might as well quit blogging.
And this does not just stop with my insensitive posts. Due to work and training, I have not been able to sustain my happy mood for a long period of time. What happens is that, when I am outside with friends, I would turn moody after a few hours. o.O as in seriously a sulk.. haiiii..
Perhaps it stems from my past... when I cared too much of what others thought and kept much to myself. During that time, I was not happy, no one cared about me, I was not laughed at but I was not laughing either.
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Then something else popped into my mind: Some nonsensical people always call me names, or they would stereotype me. PERVERT.. GAY... SELF-ABSORBED.. WEAKLING.. SLEEPY F#$%.. CHINAMAN.. what's up with that man??? Deep inside I am neither of those. hellloooo?? I am a INFP afterall.. Introvert.. Sensing..Feeling.. Percepting? the point is I am naturally none of those things, I exhibit those traits at times just to entertain those around me. [Sleepy F#%, Chinaman I will talk about later..]
I mean cant you see how dull daily small talk will be if everyone kept to the politically correct and neutral topics? How's studies, you look great.. -.- I'll be bored to death. Moreover I choose the target of my slightly out of line jokes and behaviour, no sick jokes to girls for example? Yet others will leak what I said to other people whom these words were not intended for. You laugh at the things I say, then you turn your back on me and call me a pervert, gay, self-absorbed person?? And you still expect me to carry on my behaviour to entertain you??
Thank you.. but no thanks.
Baisc things that I expect of my friends: Respect; Loyalty; Reciprocity.
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Next chapter: Friendship.
A good friend said if I were a girl, I'd be called a slut; I suggested male whore.. haha. we talked in a joking kinda way of course.
After reading how pissed off I get at being called names, some might be surprised at why I did not get pissed at being called a slut?
Simple: it was a good friend and we were joking. =]
Had he not been a good friend, I'd give him a stern look and ignore him.
Anyway apparently my good friend has the impression I am sociable with everyone. Not true. At least I do differentiate people in my heart. My best pals that I can trust is only a handful. I trust my track juniors. I am attached to a handful of people that I've been going out with recently. The truth is I do select my friends and I do not grow emotionally attached to anyone as simple as it may seem.
This post is not to offend those not-so-close friends, but is to be an honest reflection of what I value in a buddy, a close friend.
I value loyalty. If you appear friendly and we have fun together one day, but you turn on me and laugh at me the next day, do NOT expect me to snuggle up to you.
I value exclusiveness. I like it when I know I have a special place in your life; it is a Leo thing.. If you have a huge circle of friends, and I am just one of them, do not expect you and I to be close.
I value trustworthiness. If I feel I cannot trust you.. that's it man. (or woman) I'll keep you at arm's length.
I demand respect. (Another Leo thing..) If you slight me..for no significant reason.. I hate that.. and I won't love you no more.
Am I hard to please? o.O Perhaps that is why I have not found many true buddies.. o ya, I like freedom too, if too many friends will tie me down.. hehe >p
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talking about friends.. banana is worth a mention. =D He cracks me up because he always do those awkward things that is often self-contradictory. I call him a paradox.
Then I realized I am a paradox.. Perhaps even more so than him. Maybe that is why he cracks me up? o.O I do not know..
*achoo* My sickness is getting to me..
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sorry for this moody post..
it's not you it's me. =P::

.:firestarter blogged on 12:58 PM:.
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