::A few weeks' later it would be Valentine's! OR ai qing chang pao day.. whichever you prefers.. I still had one idea that stuck in my mind since last year though. >p and yeaps I googled and found it!
On Valentine's day GIRLS are supposed to be giving the presents! and on 14th March, White Day, GUYS will THEN return a gift. =D how nice is that...
im not petty ok! just that it would make a guy's life much easier if that was the case. =]
. sleepy. zzz.::

.:firestarter blogged on 10:41 PM:.
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::WHAAAA!!! WEEEEE.....!!!
Im high again! =D lol.. dancing gets me high.. like UBER HIGH. It's a form of expression just like any other art forms. Most importantly it involves movement of the BODY! and I guess that's what I am good at.. I am not exactly good with words.. I am not good with NUMBERS o.o... movement.. =D (considering how sporty i am =p) is my niche area!
In case you don't know me that well.. I am not a PURE sportsman.. not a PURE playful boy.. not a PURE SCIENCE GEEK! What am I? I am.. subtle inside.. big.. yet nimble.. raw yet subdued.. haha. Im complicated. =p the point being I have more to me than simple sportsman-ness.
That's where dance and KI comes in. They help me express myself! =D instead of trying in vain to achieve perfect eloquence, mesmerizing penmanship, or a british accent, I can do dance! haha..
unfortunately i got kicked out of e first MaD auditions.. -.= (i wasn that bad! serious!)
I still went for e fac dance sessions though. It's like when you love something so much, you do not need outside opinion to carry on doing it. Funnily the dance ic thought it was shocking i didn get into MaD too =D haha, and told me to go for 2nd auditions.. i guess i'll go. just for e fun of it. =p what's there to lose.. i lost all my face alr.
indeed love for anything is just like that. After the initial infatuations and mood swings, love will emerge. If it is love, it won't change, and you know it won't change. The other half may not believe you.. but that's understandable. What more is there to say? I feel as if i've done all i could. What more can i do? The ball is in your court now.. nothing stays forever.. love's no different. especially when it is not requitted.. some people will stay at a girl's doorstep for years and waste their life away.. i dn believe that. reciprosity. you get as much as you give. i cant give more than i get. if i did, i'd be a fool. do you want to make me a fool?
still.. I'll be there for you.. if you seek me. I wn turn you down.. if you sought me.. even if i decide to hide it inside me.. whenever you call, it will answer.::

.:firestarter blogged on 6:33 PM:.
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::*
Why are we scared or disturbed by thoughts or images of death? Macabre thoughts disturb us and most of us feel irritated and an aversion for such things. Is there a reason behind this? Do we have an inborn aversion for macabre thoughts? Priori knowledge?
All this occurred to me while I was reading about neuroscience. One controversial event in the history of neuroscience was that of Phineas Gage, a man whose skull was pierced by a tamping iron yet still survived. Controversy was sparked by the accounts that his personality significantly changed after the traumatic incident, that despite regaining conscious minutes after the incident and making a full recovery, the limited damage to his frontal lobes initiated a behaviour change.
What was controversial was first the frontal lobes were previously unlinked to behaviour patterns and second the accounts of personality change of Gage was only made significant and embellished in accounts written after his death in 1960. Before his death, little mention of his behaviour change was documented or talked about. A story or a true case study, the Phineas Gage incident has been more circus than useful scientific research.::

.:firestarter blogged on 2:16 PM:.
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::a lot of things bug me these days..
some are sophisticated problems.. some emotional.. some intellectual..
some can be solved by hardwork.. others can be solved by pure willpower..
a few needs time.. and there is one that even if i gave all i've got.. it hinges on something else..
something beyond me.
passion for what I want is unusual for me. Normally after I got interested into one thing i would control my yearnings. In turn I would want nothing in particular so when that thing is taken away from me, I won't be so disappointed. One problem is that inevitably with this mindset, that something gets taken away from me. Compounded by the fact that emotions and desires are not things one can consciously suppress, I still experience possibly the same amount of disappointment if I had not tried inhibit my yearnings.
Is that one of the mental limitations I have? I wouldn't know.. yet.
I suppose it is.. which means I need to change. People are attached to things they consider their own. Changing one's charcter entails one loses part of himself and embraces something new, alien or unknown. That means dealing with emotions, cutting relationships and building new ones. People are scared of the unknown. Therefore when people change, they are scared and needs courage.
I have made changes before. Changes need courage. I probably have enough courage to make another change if I want to.
[lol.. first a deductive and then a inductive argument.. or at at least I think they are.]
as you have realized by now.. the above few paragraphs are... crap. haha. loosely connected statements/arguments that are irrelevent to the main point of this post.
Sometimes people like to speak in a cryptic way. They do not want to be open about it because it could be personal, it could be private, or it could be unclear to even themselves so much that they cannot be clear about it.
That is fine.. unless they decide to act upon it despite its ambiguity. Then they have just dug a big hole for themselves. For acting (or NOT acting) based on a ambiguious emotion brings its own problems. The consequences are either you find out what you (don't) want, or you miss out on what you (don't) want without even knowing it. I recommend the first.
bleahx.. I am not even sure I made the point I wana make. Ambiguity rubs off on people.. when one starts to speak in a cryptic way, the immediate friends feel compelled to do so too.. in the end neither gets what each other is really talking about.
it's almost two months.. i need reassurance.. ;)
imagine what happens after three months.. =s::

.:firestarter blogged on 11:43 PM:.
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::WAH SUP!! haha.. today afternoon was totally fun la! Eventful and JC-like =D ..will try to make every JC day like this! hehe. no matter which fac/class/cca I will be in. ;)
Morning was kinda bore. PE session was just JOGGING and NAPFA TRIALS. I won't complain about jogging because it is not that hard for me. However! I was wearing this north star flat walking shoe! plus BLACK socks. [reason being I had MaD auditions and soccer training later.. which would dirty my socks. or i tot.]
i ran real awkwardly! and the shoes did not help me for the standing broad jump too! a 221cm.. that would get me.. C? sian.
After PE I was totally drained la.. had to struggle through Physics tutorial.. which made me ponder again if physics is for me.. or would I be better in Bio =D However, I felt I needed to give physics a fair trial.. perhaps the latter chapters will be more interesting. Now we are just doing the basics.. the introduction.. bo liao.
nua again.. in the library..
then... i popped up at the MaD auditions registration! =D Saw all the good dancers and posers/fakers there. haha. I CHAO scared. I thought I would do it for fun! but all of them looked so good and different from me that I felt I would be DESPISED or worse still RIDICULED if I went ahead with my venture.
I signed up anyways.. friends helped. =D I have really nice frens.. weee.. i wan more nice frens.. waaa.. you! come here. =p
after that I went to play street soccer. afterall the dancers are not exactly people I usually hang around with. I am.. unpretentious. =p quoting a fren. and dancers need an ego. I saw many auditionees(?) with too much of an ego.. bombast, pretentious... not my type.
SOCCER WAS FUN! only thing was.. I did not bring my boots and my shoes were two size bigger.. (dn ask why) the icing on the cake came.. when my friend pointed out to me I TORN MY LONG PANTS after our game. X.X !#$#!@$# my first tear.. and a big one too. sian. I played with long pants for so long.. first time it torn lor.
anyway I asked my friend for a pair of shorts which he surrendered. SO NICE OF YOU KM! so I borrowed his shorts and worn it back to JC.. where I got changed into my PE attire and went to the track to return his shorts.
On the way back, I saw my grouping! H2(hiphop 2) at... 5.15pm. =s
O well.. have some fun at Track orientation shall we. =D today afternoon also happened to be C1 trackers' orientation. I was in Hannah's group!! haha. which was super super nice because she has a Best Friend in my snr class. hahaha. kajiao her. v fun. wanteng..beiyu..kayier(?).. yingxiu..carolyn.. delphine..minghan.. jeremy.. jonathan were ALL IN MY GROUP! =D so nice..
anyway we played some lame(as in not funny..seriously lame..boring..) games..
wasted one hour before I went to MaD! I got there in time to watch my friends dance. haha
so cool! so nice! SO SCARY. O.O
looking at the pumps, the locks, the twirls, the twists.. I was FREAKING OUT! best part?? my SENIORS RUSHED HERE AND STARTED CHEERING FOR ME! o.o PRESSURIZED LIKE HELL! one even offered to pull strings for me! haha. MAN. stress! weichiming also came to teach me. haha. v nice of them. weichi pop really nice! haha. =p chest pop especially cuz he alot of upper body muscles to pop. I NEED MORE MUSCLES. then i can pop like him too. =p
So dance starts!!
I was filled with embarrassment + excitement + self-consciousness as I lined up with two other guys. Of all those auditioned.. 10% were guys bah? o well.. less competition for me. haha. there were very good breakers though. With so many good dancers I was feeling really inadequate.
NEVERTHELESS dancing is for fun, and just let yourself go. that is what I told myself as I started focusing on the [hot] dance IC. hehe. =p her name's ALICIA! haha. the APOLLO Dance ICs are both really good dancers la. Not only technique-wise also demeanour-wise.. haha. they LOOK and DANCE like GOOD DANCERS. haiii.. envious..
oops.. back to the auditions. four counts of eight! it was actually REALLY EASY. I've realized that now that I am at home. I just practised it a couple more times. It was simple! but at that super nervous context, in front of all those people, the eight counts suddenly felt a lot harder. i couldn rmbr all the steps even till the end.. when we were judged. thankfully I pulled it off.. not with style.. nor with attitude and precision.. I simply did what I had to do and gave it what i have..
I made mistakes and messed up a few steps.. but it was FUN. =D
best of all I had so much SUPPORT FROM YOU GUYS!! haha. thanks alot. hope I provided the entertainment u demanded. =p
now I am just waiting for e results.. hehe.
I went back to track J1 dinner after the auditions.. basically ate and left. trackers.. haha. apart from those in my OG.. I didn get to know many else..
o well. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT CCA SUITS ME! the prominent trackers now are not really my pals.. soccer.. is too tiring with all the long runs. too much committment(worse than track). MaD is COOL! so I am placing my hopes on MaD. and of cuz.. council. haha. =p
aahhh. had loads of fun today. hopefully i'll get to do that tmrw too.. someone's bday is on friday.. =s cant find time to get something decent.. haii. alot of hmwk to do too.. shall blog no more.
waiting... =]::

.:firestarter blogged on 8:25 PM:.
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::What the.. just when I thought I had a few classmates I already know.. I am transferred to S60!? lol wth.
Anyway.. i bought soccer boots! Lotto Trofeo! otherwise known as the white school shoe boot.. I found it very durable.. compared to the flimsy Puma and not very practical Nike. Adidas was fine.. but its colours were undesirable.. and it was 50%more expensive. I would consider its moulded field soccer cleats though.. for indoor soccer.. it's Lotto for me!
Soccer trial next week.. I think. I have four choices: Track, Soccer, Student Council, MaD, CHI DRAMA! haha. I just thought of Chinese Drama on my way home from Queensway.. I get A1 for chinese.. so why not eh? =p And it only lasts for 3 months so I can join any other CCA after that!
And.. I am no longer as bothered about Bio or Phy as before.. I will wait till March until I make a decision. Afterall it is only then that I have the choice of changing my subjet combinations. Meanwhile I will embrace physics and see if it reciprocates. =]::

.:firestarter blogged on 6:05 PM:.

::S66.. As we are arranged into our respective classes over this weekend I cant help but wonder if I had made the right choice between Bio and Phy.
Biology is my passion and where my passion lies.. ultimately the reason I chose physics was due to its reputation as a foundation for better biological research.
Naturally I should be telling myself that I need to look to the future.. and that this is a decision made with my long-term future in mind. The reality is I feel disturbed as I watch many of my good friends move to Bio Facs.. and I enter the Phy Facs. Phy Facs dominated by Scholars and non-Bio students from High School.. People who have taken Bio and dropped it in JC are few.. which means the number of my good friends going to my JC class are equally few.
It is then that I push myself harder and harder to give a satisfactory reason for going with physics. I am not the most talented with physics.. and mathematics gives me a torrid time. So what made me so confident that I can drop bio and cope with physics for two years and still come out taking bio-related undergraduate courses in a good university?
[in case you are expecting me to have an answer... o.O I don't. I'll post one when I think of it.]::

.:firestarter blogged on 10:12 AM:.
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::Are men(or women) inherently bad? ..or good?
Sounds like a typical debate topic huh.. this proposition believes... blah blah blah.
Most times debaters have no relevent experience in real life and hence attach no significance to the notion. They debate and argue without feeling for their arguments.
So it works.
But I feel it would be a lot more meaningful if they have experienced it, and then they can draw better examples to support their arguments..
But this is not about debate.. o.O but about whether people are naturally bad.. or good?
Ever experienced hypocrisy? A person who treats groups of people differently? Maybe someone who puts on the best behaviour whenever that someone is with his other half?
Do you think you have someone like that in your life? Suspect you do?
This question do not bother me often at all.. for I do not judge people easily. I will not listen to other people's opinion and just make a judgement based on their point of view. For me, an opinion like that is too unsound. Holding on to such an opinion will only lead one into an unnecessary predicament.
I like to see things for myself. Judge as I observe and interact with the person. Perhaps that is why I never rejected an unpopular person nor warmed easily to a celebrity student. Still.. I get into troubling situations once in a while. What if I have not made a judgement on this person yet, and someone tell me she/he acts in a different way when she/he is not around me? I get anxious. But I ignore it.
Are people naturally good? Hence they put on a mask in front of people they do not like, and since they like me, their innate goodness comes out and they act differently as a result. Or.. are they naturally bad? Only putting on a goodie behaviour when they have identified a worthy target?
humans..::

.:firestarter blogged on 2:09 PM:.
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::acceptance. =] i think im moving closer to it. haha.
not really resignation.. but a mature acception of the fact that I am rejected during the first intake of STP. Somehow the teachers did not rate me high enough. Acception that perhaps I did not present the best side of me and perhaps.. I have the opportunity to change that.
Sometimes all you need in a difficult situation is a listening ear. I fortunately stumbled upon someone to pour my heart out the last time I was devastated.. Unfortunately this time it was not the same. I could not stumble upon anyone.. thought... thought I had people to talk to.. but it was more one-sided wistful thinking than anything realistic.
Still.. I led myself through the grieving process.. rationalizing my thoughts... accepting the real situation and carefully putting together a new plan. Not easy.. not sure it worked. I guess what really helped was the other people who suddenly talked to me. In a way it forced me away from any lingering attention on my rejection.. and let me know that there are still other people.. caring for me.. and me rejected by STP probably did not rank high on their list at all.
I would like to say that I felt so horrible because I am a winner.. a bad loser who likes to win.. a confident guy who would want to challenge every decision and will never go down without a fight.
Reality is.. I am only an ego kid.. still unaccustomed to rejection.. still unprepared for heartbreaks.. i lie to myself and i numb myself.. I overreact and act too frequently with my heart.. dictated by my emotions.. I am yet able to make wise decisions under pressure.
I run.. while putting up a ruse.. i hide.. behind the mask.
who am I? what can I love about myself? what is the one thing I can hold onto irregardless of the outside world?
Some people have these 'things'.. some do not need these 'things'.. some have but do not treasure them..
when will mine appear..
what now. I still do not know. =/ suddenly tmrw's boring morning lectures look useful..for some serious contemplating and stoning..
damn me if i let this stp ruin my jc life..::

.:firestarter blogged on 11:41 PM:.

::continuation..
Why am I grieving.. why should I be unhappy? Just because I am not the top 10% of science student in HCJC? Will I be a lesser doctor/researcher, if I do not get into STP? Yes... o.o no no no! grrr..
I can still be a doctor/researcher.. perhaps a lesser one.. but one nonetheless..
Pride comes before fall.. I assumed I would get into STP.. I did not study as hard as science geeks.. though I have never worked hard for science like the geeks have for the last four years.
I started with a disadvantage and I refused to work hard.
I have no one to blame but myself. Me and my foolish pride caused my fall.. and a hard fall too. I made it a hard fall.. by placing STP+KI as the bedrock of all my dreams I set myself up for heartbreak. Unfortunately the bullet hit right on, shattering my heart and my dreams.
Of course realistically my dreams are not tied to STP admission and they are still within reach. In fact all is not lost. I lost nothing.. though I got nothing too.
Not STP anyway, as I got KI. I expected STP, but got KI.
Another conundrum: I always thought humans(KI) was my interest, but sciences(STP) was my forte. What does all this represent now?? Humans is my interest AND forte????
I am an ARTS STUDENT?? SPITE THAT I HAVE NEVER SCORED AN A1 for humans class tests, and had to REDO MY HUMANITIES RESEARCH PAPER 8 TIMES this year???? I SHOULD HAVE APPLIED FOR Humanities Programme????
Wth...
I need to listen to my heart... that's where my choices are made.. but its useless now.. it was incapacitated by the STP result.. it is not responding to my calls.
A heavy.. and numb heart.
I am trying desperately to protect it.. sensibly I should move on and look at the brighter side and be happy.. but I tied too much emotions to STP.. I know if I let my heart out and open, my emotions will rip it apart..
I want to cry.. to let it out.. but to whom.. and how?
i feel.. disillusioned.. disinterested.. flabbergasted..
I need.. someone..::

.:firestarter blogged on 9:06 PM:.

::ARGH!
o.o I feel as if I got hit by a truck..
I still remember vividly.. mr.koh answering a casual 'no' when I asked him if there's a 'Lin Chen' on the list of STP students. I went into grieving mood from that second..
stages of grieving include.. rejection, bargain, anger, acceptance.
I thought it couldn't be. So I squeezed into the crowd to take another look. Again broke my heart.
I thought there must be someway out of this. Perhaps it was an error? Perhaps I can still get in if I appealed? Maybe I will get in during the second intake? I bargained.. with a imaginary person. I will study hard for the test if you let me into STP! please.. though I don't even know if it is my performance in the selection test that failed me..
next is anger.. I got angry.. sad and desperate. WHY? why did I not study harder? why am I left out? why should I be left out? why did I think I'll get in? I was angry at myself.. at STP.. at Mr.Koh.
Then I should move to acceptance.. but I have not. Talking with people on msn brought me closer to it though. I keep telling myself.. STP is not everything.. So what if you are denied entry.. so what if you are not the top 60 science students? You may not be suited for STP afterall. I still can do PCMKI and I still can pursue a medicine or research career. STP does not represent success. The only road to success it certainly is not. It may not even be the right path for me.
Question is... which path is right for me then?
....::

.:firestarter blogged on 8:24 PM:.
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::i went to queensway to shop today! still rather tired and yet to pack for tomorrow but I figured I had to post about what happend there.

Two funny events happened.

1.While shopping for shoes, I walked past this shoeshop. At the door were plastic model men dressed in jerseys and shorts. Typical. Suddenly, while walking past these models this guy in front of me, who were with his friends reached out and cheekily pulled down one of the plastic models' shorts! the shorts dropped to the model's feet and the store was left with a rather obscene plastic model at its door.
When I walked past the store again a while later, one more model's shorts was pulled down. =s
haha.. apparently everyone was in high spirits.

2.While shopping for shoes, I met.. Kaiming, Jieyu, Clement. That means a long dist runner, a thrower, a jumper plus a sprinter all together in one shopping mall on the same day at the same time! Can hci trackers be any more united? i doubt so.. what a show of tremendous team spirit!

School is starting tomorrow! I am happy. =]::

.:firestarter blogged on 10:33 PM:.

::hmm.. true.. true..

----

You scored as Jock.

You are the ruler of the school, so to say. You have girls swooning over your muscles and your skilled in most areas of the sports arena. You know how to play a mean game of basketball.

Jock: 67%
"Ghetto": 60%
Prep: 54%
Emo Kid: 53%
Geek/Nerd: 47%
Hot: 47%
Loner: 40%
Punk: 40%
Goth: 27%
Stoner: 0%

----
You scored as Postmodernist.

Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

Postmodernist: 75%
Cultural Creative: 75%
Existentialist: 69%
Modernist: 44%
Materialist: 44%
Idealist: 38%
Romanticist: 25%
Fundamentalist: 19%

---::

.:firestarter blogged on 10:33 PM:.
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