::acceptance. =] i think im moving closer to it. haha.
not really resignation.. but a mature acception of the fact that I am rejected during the first intake of STP. Somehow the teachers did not rate me high enough. Acception that perhaps I did not present the best side of me and perhaps.. I have the opportunity to change that.
Sometimes all you need in a difficult situation is a listening ear. I fortunately stumbled upon someone to pour my heart out the last time I was devastated.. Unfortunately this time it was not the same. I could not stumble upon anyone.. thought... thought I had people to talk to.. but it was more one-sided wistful thinking than anything realistic.
Still.. I led myself through the grieving process.. rationalizing my thoughts... accepting the real situation and carefully putting together a new plan. Not easy.. not sure it worked. I guess what really helped was the other people who suddenly talked to me. In a way it forced me away from any lingering attention on my rejection.. and let me know that there are still other people.. caring for me.. and me rejected by STP probably did not rank high on their list at all.
I would like to say that I felt so horrible because I am a winner.. a bad loser who likes to win.. a confident guy who would want to challenge every decision and will never go down without a fight.
Reality is.. I am only an ego kid.. still unaccustomed to rejection.. still unprepared for heartbreaks.. i lie to myself and i numb myself.. I overreact and act too frequently with my heart.. dictated by my emotions.. I am yet able to make wise decisions under pressure.
I run.. while putting up a ruse.. i hide.. behind the mask.
who am I? what can I love about myself? what is the one thing I can hold onto irregardless of the outside world?
Some people have these 'things'.. some do not need these 'things'.. some have but do not treasure them..
when will mine appear..
what now. I still do not know. =/ suddenly tmrw's boring morning lectures look useful..for some serious contemplating and stoning..
damn me if i let this stp ruin my jc life..::

.:firestarter blogged on 11:41 PM:.
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